we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
