nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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