pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
