Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
