I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
