put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
