i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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