Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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