theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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