all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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