Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
