I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.