I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
