You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
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Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving