I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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