the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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