Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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