New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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