you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
