Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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