Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
