Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
