I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
