i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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