Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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