Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
