I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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