But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
