I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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