my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
