I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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