Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
