dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
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Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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