If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
