a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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