She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
