i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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