ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
