Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
