He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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