I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
