i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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