Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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