If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
