The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
