sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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