You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
