I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
