I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Come share oat with me in your robe
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
