Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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