Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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