I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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