just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm like, not good at living.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
