Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
