how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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