You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
