I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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