The maid of honor just puked.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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