if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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