Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
