i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
